April 22, 2011

Yesterday was a BAD day. I woke up to surprise bleeding for which there’s really no good explanation. Today I’m having an MRI which is supposed to occur during my luteal phase. So I was freaking out that I wouldn’t be able to do the MRI today and would have to wait another 2-3 weeks. I’ve been waiting 7 months. I meticulously planned for this for a month. I started taking my prometrium last week. AF shouldn’t show for another week. I’ve been benched from TTC all this time and this MRI will tell me what my next step is. Whether I can do a FET or if I need to have surgery before a FET or just get a surrogate. Everything about the possibility of my future child(ren) rests on this one test. Is my uterus strong enough to sustain a pregnancy? That question will hopefully be answered by Monday.

My father is dying of cancer and my body isn’t functioning correctly. I can’t control either of those things. But I thought I could at least control my cycle with meds. Apparently not. I can’t control the outcome of this MRI but I thought I could at least time it correctly. Regardless of the outcome I will feel better KNOWING. There is so much in my life right now that I don’t know. It’s fairly certain that my father will die in the next few months. But we have no idea when. I was supposed to move at the end of June – Right Guy will still be moving then. But I will stay until everything is settled with Pops – and I doubt that will be in June. I don’t know when that will be. I don’t know when I’ll be able to join Right Guy in Seattle. I don’t know when I should quit my job or how long it will take to find another. I don’t whether I’m completely insane for contemplating doing a FET cycle while my father is dying – it makes financial sense (insurance reasons) but no other kind of sense.

There is so much uncertainty in my life right now. There are very few things I can control. Losing control of my cycle and this MRI sent me in to a tailspin yesterday. Fortunately my RE said it’s OK to go ahead with the MRI. I really think I might have gone mental if she had said I had to wait.

So I will go for the MRI late this afternoon. And I will concentrate this weekend on things I can control. Which right now is really only getting rid of stuff in my house I don’t want to move. I can control packing some boxes and bags and driving to Goodwill. Right? Please say yes.

My apologies for this disjointed, rambling post. To say I’m frazzled is an understatement.


3 Responses to “Uncertainty”

  1. Keiko Says:

    It’s the loss of control and uncertainty that drives me nuts about IF… b/c I’m a major control freak. I hope your MRI goes well and you get the results quickly so you can move back on track. If the MRI is normal, can your cycle still be salvaged?

  2. Krissi Says:

    So sorry about your Dad. My mom was dying through one of my IVF cycles and then passed on as I was stimming. I ended up getting pregnant a couple weeks after she died. I still truely believe my daughter was heaven sent. I’m sorry your life seems discombobulated…that must be so hard. I hope your MRI gives you some answers and direction. Good luck with the move. I just added your link!

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