March 31, 2011

My apologies in advance if this post comes off as whiny. I hate whining. But I need to write this for myself so I can get some perspective and stop beating myself up. It may also be scattered. I have too much going on to write pretty prose.

In the past 12 months I have experienced:
Pops hospitalized FIVE times
Two trips for me to ER and one 10 day hospitalization
Ectopic pregnancy
7 doses of methotrexate
2 MRIs (a 3rd is scheduled in April)
Pops’ THIRD cancer diagnosis and subsequent chemo treatment
Planning my impending cross-country move
Bringing in Hospice for Pops – which means I now have TWO houses to pack up and an estate to settle sometime in the near future.
an “engaged to be engaged” ring

On top of all this, I’m anxious about what the next MRI will show. Will my uterus have healed itself? Will I get the OK to TTC again without surgery? Will I be having surgery or doing a FET while Pops lays dying simply because my insurance covers part of it now but won’t later? Do I even want the surgery if I need it or should I jump straight to surrogacy?

My older cat has been losing weight recently. She seems OK otherwise but she’s almost 13. Am I going to lose babies, a father and a cat all within a year? Is this a reason to do FET sooner? Or a reason to wait and do it later when things are more settled (but also more expensive)? Is it wrong of me to be thinking of myself while my father still needs me there with him? How can I possibly process all this gracefully? It’s TOO MUCH. I’m bound to flub and flounder a little, right? I have permission to not be perfect right now. Yes?


3 Responses to “Recap”

  1. Vicky Says:

    I don’t think anyone could handle what you have without complaining. I think you should feel free to vent and whine away. It’s completely normal, don’t feel you have to always hold it all together- especially in this kind of setting where there is infinite patience and understanding around! The truth is, we are human and simply cannot always be graceful. Allow yourself the room to process all of the stuff going on. You deserve it.

    I do wish you didn’t have to go through all of this. The roller coaster must be beyond exhausting and you just continue to show such amazing strength. My thoughts are with you, just wish there was more I could say.

  2. Jen Says:

    You are not whining. This is your life, and it’s been an insanely hard year. One that no one would ever expect, and most can’t imagine. My heart goes out to you, babe. I think you have handled it with grace. I’m so proud of you, actually.

    Also, there is no “perfect” way to move forward. Caring for your father and deciding what’s best physically and emotionally for yourself… there’s not good way to mix those two things. Whatever you decide, we will all support you.

  3. barrenlazza Says:

    You are venting, not whining! You have license to given what you are/have been going through.

    What I am hoping for you is that all of this hardship is your whole life’s hardship boiled up and concentrated into a few years.

    Then when it’s over, you’re going to have years and years of happiness and contentment.

    Until then, keep writing to us and we’ll keep supporting you.

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