March 31, 2011
My apologies in advance if this post comes off as whiny. I hate whining. But I need to write this for myself so I can get some perspective and stop beating myself up. It may also be scattered. I have too much going on to write pretty prose.
In the past 12 months I have experienced:
Pops hospitalized FIVE times
Two trips for me to ER and one 10 day hospitalization
7 doses of methotrexate
2 MRIs (a 3rd is scheduled in April)
Pops’ THIRD cancer diagnosis and subsequent chemo treatment
Planning my impending cross-country move
Bringing in Hospice for Pops – which means I now have TWO houses to pack up and an estate to settle sometime in the near future.
an “engaged to be engaged” ring
On top of all this, I’m anxious about what the next MRI will show. Will my uterus have healed itself? Will I get the OK to TTC again without surgery? Will I be having surgery or doing a FET while Pops lays dying simply because my insurance covers part of it now but won’t later? Do I even want the surgery if I need it or should I jump straight to surrogacy?
My older cat has been losing weight recently. She seems OK otherwise but she’s almost 13. Am I going to lose babies, a father and a cat all within a year? Is this a reason to do FET sooner? Or a reason to wait and do it later when things are more settled (but also more expensive)? Is it wrong of me to be thinking of myself while my father still needs me there with him? How can I possibly process all this gracefully? It’s TOO MUCH. I’m bound to flub and flounder a little, right? I have permission to not be perfect right now. Yes?