The Spiraling Insanity part three

March 2, 2011

Here, finally, is third installment of the insanity that has replaced my normal self. It’s been written for 2 weeks but I haven’t had the courage to publish it until now. Catch up on Part One or Part Two if you like.

This is about my attempt to find a happy chemical balance. And it’s not pretty. There’s been a fair amount of self-medicating going on. I will likely gloss over it a bit so no one tries to lock me up in rehab, but… it’s not pretty. I’m a person who normally doesn’t like to take any kind of medication I don’t absolutely NEED. So this is a somewhat new experience for me.

I asked for anti-depressants fairly early on since I wasn’t eating. But it took some time before I realized I also needed anti-anxiety meds. I self-medicated for that for quite awhile. I had plenty of Rx painkillers from the surgery, ectopic and kidney stone. And let’s just say narcotics dull more than physical pain. No, I’m not addicted, but damn, do they take the edge off. I haven’t taken any for awhile now but I do kind of miss them. It’s the only way I can chill out sometimes. Alcohol works to a point. And then I get depressed and start crying. It just seems impossible to truly relax without medicinal help. A little 420 helps, but then my sinuses get messed up from the smoke.

They’ve switched my anti-depressants from cym.balta to pro.zac. I thought it was helping but maybe not. I’m still up and down. Combine this with all my efforts to find the perfect sleep cocktail and we get to add in some more drugs to the mix. Sometimes I have to take something else to keep me awake. With my current sinus issues that’s mostly just real sud.afed. But I also have a friend who takes ader.ol….

So… I take pills to keep me from being depressed. I take pills to help me sleep when it’s time to sleep. I take pills to keep me awake when it’s time to be awake. I am in constant search of something that will help me relax without knocking me out. I just need to be able to function. To get up and go to work. Or get up and work from home. Be able to enjoy a night out with friends. Obviously I have not admitted to my docs the minor drug infractions I’ve been committing (in the grand scheme of things they are relatively minor – for me personally not so much). But I’ve been honest about not being able to function.

I had thought the end of the ectopic would magically cure me of this. No such luck. Now I just get to worry about Pops and his cancer instead. And the upcoming cross-country move and subsequent job search. Ay-yay-ay. I. Just. Want. To. FUNCTION. I need some chemical balance. I probably need some hormonal balance as well. All signs were pointing to normal cycle on that front but alas, the hunger, acne, hormonal wrath, and cramps are NOT due to ovulation/impending CD1. Now I’m just thinking it’s menopause symptoms. I’m a hormonal wreck lately. And then there’s that pain that I thought was from the ectopic… I guess it’s just adenomyosis pain. Sigh.

My new favorite quote from Legally Blonde: “Elle, I know you’re upset about all this, but can’t you just take a Percocet?” If only. As much as the perc.oset helps… you can’t function (not well, anyway) on it.


2 Responses to “The Spiraling Insanity part three”

  1. Becca M Says:

    I wish that cyber hugs had the power to cure ❤ THinking about you *hugs*

  2. preachersdaughter69 Says:

    You are not alone. I have POF too and it sucks when I’m off my meds…like now.

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