The Spiraling Insanity part two
February 9, 2011
Now that this pregnancy is officially over, I’ve finally been able to write about what I’ve been going through the past few months. Click here for the first part of this post.
While I was in the hospital I slept wonderfully. Which surprised me. I suppose it was the physical recovery from surgery combined with the side effects of the methotrexate. Oh yeah, and that nightly bena.dryl. It wasn’t until later that I started spiraling down in to the depths of insomnia.
When I am super stressed, I don’t eat or sleep well. These two things combined just end up making it all worse. It’s a vicious cycle. I had a similar sleep issue when my father was first diagnosed with cancer and on a respirator in the ICU for 3 weeks 6 years ago. Although, I had people practically force feeding me then so it was really only sleep that was an issue. I was mentally and physically exhausted at the end of each day dealing with his doctors, looking for legal documents in his house, making sure his bills were paid, etc. I fell right to sleep. But then I’d be wide awake at 2am.
This time it was both the falling asleep and the staying asleep that was/is a problem. Even after I went to my doc and got am.bien I still had trouble STAYING asleep. OTC meds will usually knock me out but they don’t keep me down. This time, even am.bien didn’t. I had to get the more expensive (until very recently) extended release version. And then I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. I’ve tried cutting pills in half, quarters, thirds… combining all sorts of things – anything to knock me out and keep me down. I have yet to find the perfect combo. Although half an extended release am.bien plus a melatonin is looking promising.
I am still fighting this sleep issue. If I don’t take anything, I won’t sleep more than a few hours – if at all. If I do take something, it quite often knocks me out for TOO long. In order to sleep through the night I have to subject myself to the sleep aid hangover. Where I can wake up when the alarm goes off but I can’t really get up and function. But it’s better than not sleeping. Not sleeping just makes everything worse. Not sleeping is just a further descention in the insanity.
Then there’s the depression. Not being able to get out of bed… is it emotional, psychological, pharmaceutical, physical? Who knows anymore? More on that later.