The Spiraling Insanity part one
February 4, 2011
In all likelihood no one will find this particularly interesting. But on the off chance that it helps someone else get through it, here it is – a recap of what it really felt like to go through a 6 month long ectopic pregnancy. I don’t have it all planned out yet (which is weird for me) but I imagine there will be a few installments of this.
At first I lost my appetite because that’s what happens when I get stressed or sad. I don’t eat. I just don’t feel like eating. Most people I know eat MORE when they are stressed but I’m the opposite. But at some point it became more than just stress-induced. When taking methotrexate, you’re not supposed to take folic acid. So I had been off my multivitamins. Which is not a good thing when you’re not eating. But they gave me the green light to start taking them again about a month after I was released from the hospital. Which was also about the time I went to my regular doc and asked for anti-depressants so I could start eating again. And a few weeks after that, my beta stalled at 68/69ish. I began to equate nutrition with rising beta and healthy pregnancy. Let’s face it, in a normal pregnancy, nutrition is key. And so I never really fully regained my appetite – all in an effort to starve those embryonic cells. And when I did eat, I ate crap. On purpose. As my betas kept stalling and I kept having to get more methotrexate, it became more and more a conscious decision to not eat. Or to eat McDon.ald’s. I probably went without eating a real vegetable for at least a month, if not two. On purpose. I just couldn’t do anything that *might* cause my beta to stall again. There is a logic to this madness. But it wasn’t healthy. Physically or mentally. Although it did wonders for weight loss. I lost, or maintained, weight even eating McDon.ald’s all the time simply because I wasn’t eating enough.
The Love/Hate Relationship
This one was really, really hard. That thing that you wanted so badly, that you loved from the first positive test? You still love it. But after awhile you also begin to hate it. And you feel guilty for hating it. And you feel guilty for killing it. Every methotrexate shot felt like an abortion – a conscious decision to end this life inside me. So did every other conscious decision to eat crap or any other crazy thing I could think of that might make it die. I tried to be as unhealthy as I could. And yet, I couldn’t help but cry for the life inside me that was so desperately trying to survive. I loved it. I hated it. I felt guilty for hating it. I still feel guilty for hating it. Guilty for loving it – it never really was viable after all. I kept telling myself that it never did, or even ever had a chance to, form and grow properly. If I didn’t kill it, it would have surely killed us both. I tried not to think of it as a potential baby. And yet, how could I not? It’s a truly vicious cycle that can only end in tears. Even as I write about it now. It is so very painful to feel as if you have to hate the life you love inside you.
A few weeks ago, I wrote this
After 5 months and 7 doses of methotrexate I can now say that I’m trapped in a horror movie: The Ectopic Pregnancy That Wouldn’t Die. It’s like I’m carrying zombie twins in there. They don’t look human and you can’t kill them. At this point I think I’d prefer to be in that scene from Alien when the alien punched through the stomach. At least then I’d be rid of these parasites.
I’m a fan of old horror movies (new ones too). So I wrote a sort of diary entry comparing it all to a horror movie. Because it felt like I was trapped in one. This vicious cycle of love/hate for those embabies is ongoing. I’m ecstatic to FINALLY not be pregnant anymore. I feel the loss of a miscarriage. And the guilt of an abortion. I feel guilty for being happy this pregnancy is over. And I feel sad at the same time. I expect these conflicting emotions will last a while. Hopefully my return to blogging will help me work through them.