The light at the end of the tunnel

February 4, 2011

I’ve been a bad blogger. A bad tweep. And a bad friend. I have a fairly decent excuse, I suppose, but I would like to take the time to let you all know how much I appreciate your support – even when I fell off the face of the planet. Especially when I fell off the face of the planet. These past few months have been… SO incredibly hard. I’ve been pushed before. But never like this.

I know I’ve gained (and likely lost) a few new readers/followers so here’s a quick recap in case you’re new or in case you forgot (because I fell off the face of the planet).

I have premature ovarian failure (POF). I was told IVF wouldn’t be a viable option for me. After three failed clomid cycles, something went amazingly right with injectibles (they don’t know why) and I ended up doing a last minute, unplanned IVF in August 2010. To my amazement, it took! But my first ultrasound at 7wks did not go so swimmingly. They could see nothing. Long story short, after an emergency D&C and a laparoscopy they determined the pregnancies (there were likely two) were in the muscle of the uterine wall. This is something they had not seen before. I was in the hospital for 10 days and had to plead with my RE to get out even then. It has taken almost 6 months and 7 doses of methotrexate for me to lose this ectopic pregnancy and become UNpregnant (but at least I still have all my parts). In the middle of all this, my father’s cancer returned. For a third time. I am his primary caretaker (he’s been in a wheelchair since cancer #2). And he’s not tolerating his chemo well this time.

My father and I are both statistically off the charts – medically speaking. He’s not supposed to be alive. No one has really seen my specific condition before. There will eventually be a paper published on it. I’ve tried to use these statistical odds to my advantage but alas, I have not won the lottery. 😉 I am fundamentally a fact-driven, data oriented person. I have lost faith in numbers. And therefore myself. I now question what I thought I knew as fact. That this shitstorm could not possibly happen all at once to someone who didn’t deserve it for some reason. Bad past life maybe? My last 3 methotrexate shots coincided, TO THE DAY, with 3 of my father’s chemos. This has turned me very superstitious.

Over these past fews months I have, rather unsuccessfully, attempted to not only be productive at work but catch up on projects which were overdue before my hospital stay, go to weekly and sometimes twice weekly beta appointments, take care of my father during 2 hospital stays and several chemos, get him to all his appointments, retain some sort of relationship with Right Guy, get through the holidays, endure countless Facebook posts about pregnancies and kids, and remain sane. It’s this last point where I failed miserably.

When my beta stalled at ELEVEN I pretty much lost it. When you get from a high of 74,000 to ELEVEN you figure you’re done. Not so. I had hoped the new year would bring good news, not bad. I am still trying to recover from that one. It is still a fight to get out of bed and go to work. Even to get out of bed and work from home. Or just get out of bed at all. Every day is a challenge to just function. But it’s getting better. Finally. Thanks to beta=0, pro.zac and am.bien. Even yesterday I couldn’t get up until 1pm.

But I AM better. I think another post will come soon about what it felt like in my brain these past few months. But in the meantime, I want to thank all of you, old and new, for being there for me these past few months. I’m not a person who’s comfortable needing others. But I don’t know how I would have survived without you all. Even if I didn’t respond, please know that I read and appreciate all your comments and tweets. So thank you. And I will try to be a better tweep/blogger/friend from now on. It’s time for me to return the love and support. Bring it. I think I can take it now.

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5 Responses to “The light at the end of the tunnel”


  1. You have really been through hell it sounds like. I am so happy that you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If you can get through this you can get through anything!


  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Courtney, Alex. Alex said: Thank you ALL. New post: The light at the end of the tunnel http://wp.me/pR68q-lY […]

  3. barrenlazza Says:

    Hi there
    Welcome back! So glad to see you are blogging again as it’s good to hear how you are doing.
    I really hope this year is easier than the last for you.

  4. Jess Says:

    Your strength is inspiring. I hope this is the start of happier days ahead.


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