Raw

September 29, 2010

WARNING: I think this is going to be a little raw and possibly a little hard to read. But I think I have to write it.

There is life dying inside me. I can feel it. It hurts. As my doctor said, cell death is painful. Which is why I have narcotics. Luckily they do more than dull the physical pain – they also dull the emotional pain and the mental anguish. But all it does it dull it. It doesn’t make any of it go away. I still feel it all. And I will continue to feel it. Possibly for weeks.

I don’t know if I am luckier or unluckier than most in that I have seen images of the ectopic pregnancy in my uterine wall. I know that it looks like… well… nothing. It’s a giant hematoma – a.k.a a big bruise. It’s like someone punched me in the uterus. There’s just a bunch of blood and tissue there that shouldn’t be. There’s no discernible fetus. There possibly never was. I don’t know if it ever took the shape it should have. I don’t know if it would have had it implanted in the proper place. They think it might have been both embryos but they can’t tell for sure. That’s how much it resembles anything – not at all.

I try to remember that in the hopes that it will make it hurt less. There is not a cute little alien looking human in there. All those images I received in the week by week pregnancy updates – mine doesn’t look like those and maybe never did. There is just a blob of HCG-producing cells and blood. But whatever it is it is still in there… dying. And I can feel it dying. This is so horrible. There are no words.

I don’t know how I’m going to work. I was already pretty beat down by life. I keep telling my boss I will work from home but I just can’t seem to do it. I’m now out of sick leave (it’s depleted from tending to Pops during his two hospital stays this summer) and using my vacation time. Which I have since I haven’t really taken a real vacation in awhile. I have the world’s best boss – I’m not worried about losing my job. But I just don’t know how I can get anything done at it. I don’t think I can afford to take a leave of absence especially not with the hospital bills I’ll be getting soon. I’m really not stressing too much about work and money right now but it is on my mind. It’s just all kind of rolled up in to one giant #FAIL in the game of Life. I just can’t seem to do anything right lately. At every turn I fail.

fail whale

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5 Responses to “Raw”

  1. lis Says:

    I’m so sorry. This IS a loss and you need to take your time to figure out how you will mourn it and begin to move on again. Please know I’ve been thinking of you. Xoxo lis

  2. Jen Says:

    Sweetie. I can’t imagine how you feel right now. Please be good to yourself. And know that we’re here to support you through this. I’m so glad that you’re on here, and writing – I hope it helps. And, I’m so glad you’re home. I know it’s going to be a long road, but you will get through this.


  3. I’m so very sorry. It’s not a short or easy road, but eventually you will feel ok again. I had a miscarriage the end of June and I still can’t look at pregnant women.

    Sidenote: I can’t imagine going through a miscarriage before having the internets to offer all the faceless support.


  4. A, This much be incredibly hard. I am so impressed by how strong you’ve been through this. Just know that you will get through this. You will overcome it. Just know that we’re thinking of you over here in blogland :). xo


  5. […] it. So I am. First, my story. I think most of you have heard my story but here are some old posts. Raw The Spiraling Insanity part […]


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