A Letter 4 Al

September 24, 2010

I’ve been thinking about @ababy4al over at Mission: Motherhood A LOT this week. She went through an ectopic pregnancy earlier this year. And now she’s managed to get pregnant again (naturally!) and is a wee bit terrified. Not only was her last pregnancy ectopic but the she miscarried the one before that. This is her third pregnancy this year and I think there was at least one other miscarriage before that. Being where I am right now I can’t imagine ever getting to where she is now. It’s so devastating and terrifying that giving up just seems to be the logical and prudent thing to do.

I know at some point I’ll probably make it back to trying again but that’s a long way off. And I digress. This post is really meant to be a giant THANK YOU to Al. I don’t think I knew much of anything about ectopic pregnancies before she went through hers. Her experience has better prepared me for this. I guess some good can come of tragedy. And it underscores the importance of TALKING ABOUT IT.

If I weren’t twitter pals with Al I would not have known what to expect. And knowing what to expect takes the edge off the anxiety. So thank you Al for sharing your story months ago. And thank you for being here for me now. You’ve really helped me get through this in so many ways.

For instance, I would not have known that they use methotrexate, a chemo drug, to treat ectopic pregnancy. I think I would have been much more freaked out about this whole experience if I hadn’t already known to expect chemo. That’s a pretty serious thing to hear and process if you’re not prepared for it. Chemo?! WTF? I don’t have cancer! Will it cause long term damage, etc? I essentially already knew the answers to these questions before I even knew I needed the methotrexate.

Al also articulated well the odd sensation of going through two different sides of this. I’m just trying to get through the physical part at this point. Once I’m completely out of danger, only then can I begin to deal with the emotional aftermath. Again, I knew to expect this because Al shared it earlier. And it is quite an odd feeling (as she points out in a comment on the previous blog post here). But I know it’s perfectly normal to feel that way.

In one sense, my situation is slightly worse than Al’s because I require hospitalization and she didn’t (not that I recall anyway). But I’m not sure her experience was really any less scary. In fact, if anything, maybe it was more scary because she wasn’t being monitored as closely. I have people checking on me constantly and I’m not too scared of anything really bad happening. Although I know it’s possible – which is why I’m here. Even though I desperately want to go home and I often feel like I don’t need to be here, being looked after so well also alleviates some of the anxiety.

And because I’m in the hospital my condition is RECOGNIZED on all fronts. It is a loss. It is a potentially life threatening illness. Being in the hospital sort of requires that it all be out in the open. I seem to recall Al having some difficulty getting some of her relatives to acknowledge her experience for what it was. And I cry for her now that she had to go through that. I have experienced such loving support from friends, family, twitter and bloggers that I am overwhelmed. My aunt refused to speak to me for a few days because she said she didn’t think she could talk to me and NOT cry. I am so lucky on so many levels.

And now Al is facing new anxiety. She has an early ultrasound tomorrow morning. I can only imagine where her anxiety level is right now. I wish I could tell her not to worry, it will be all right. But I can’t. I can only HOPE that it is. And I can try to give her back the support she has given me. You can do it Al. We’re all rooting for you and your NORMAL little one.


2 Responses to “A Letter 4 Al”

  1. AL Says:

    You’re very welcome. I agree that your situation is so much harder / scarier than mine – the surgeries, the MRI, the super high beta, getting to nearly 7 weeks of pregnancy before knowing, being stuck in the hospital…my heart aches just thinking about how horrible it is.

    I’m so glad that my story and my support has helped you through this. It’s the only gift I have to share after this hellish year.

    Will be thinking of you until this is over and wherever your journey takes you next. Hugs! ❤

  2. C Says:

    I am elated for Al and as you know, today’s u/s brought great news. I also simply to had say that you are precious to take time to write the letter to Al in light of all that you are going through right now. You are a beautiful soul indeed. You remain in my prayers and I sincerely hope that next beta drops. xxxx

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