Still here in the hospital…

September 23, 2010

My beta HCG came back this morning (Thurs) at 66k. Up from 42k on Sunday. So I’m stuck here. I think they want to see it <30k before they even think about letting me go home. My RE didn't seem particularly worried that it had gone up – apparently it often goes up before it goes down. And it hadn't doubled so she was happy about that. But she told me to mentally prepare myself to stay through the weekend. Ugh. And if I'm still here Monday, she is sending the clinic's psychologist/counselor to me. Double ugh.

They will check my beta again in the morning before they give me a 3rd methotrexate shot. I don't think hopes are high that it will be low enough to cancel said shot but they just want to check it again. They'll do the same on Sunday.

I didn't have much reaction to the first shot so I was surprised yesterday when, after the second shot, I felt like I had been run over by a bus. At least now I know that I can probably expect the same tomorrow. And after my surprise vomiting today, I think I'll go ahead and ask for the anti-nausea meds up front. It is very easy to forget that methotrexate is chemotherapy. But it is. And like most chemo drugs it can cause extreme fatigue and nausea. So I'm still happy to be here in the oncology ward where they know exactly how to deal with vomiting. I'm really starting to fit in here. Except for that whole not having cancer thing.

So anyway… here I am. Still in the hospital. Sleeping a lot. Not eating much. Wanting to go home and curl up with my kittehs. Still waiting for the inevitable tidal wave of depression and emotional breakdown. But I have to get through this physical stuff first. The support is overwhelming – more on that later.

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7 Responses to “Still here in the hospital…”

  1. AL Says:

    ((hugs))

    The hardest thing about the ectopic for me was that the physical loss and mental grief were so disjointed. It’s even more messed up because you’re fearing for your own safety too, so it’s hard to grieve the loss at the same time.

    I’m so so sorry. I really hope those numbers start coming down soon, you’ll be out of danger, and you can go home.

    In the meantime, I’ll be thinking of you and cheering you on.

  2. Aly Says:

    Ugh! I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I really hope the next shot isn’t as bad as the second one. My thoughts are with you. Hugs, I am so sorry you are having deal with all of this uncertainty.

    Aly


  3. What a horrible situation. Have to inject yourself with toxins to kill off those cells that could have been hope and instead bring fear and loss. Thinking of you. Hope your numbers come down soon.

  4. vi Says:

    My clinic weren`t sure initially if I was about to miscarriage or I had an ectopic which would require surgery- they do not use methotrexate in my country . I waited a few days and prayed and cried and begged my baby to go to heaven- it was heartbreaking. The pain started a few days later and the telltale prune juice bleeding. I had surgery two days later and they removed the damaged tube. The RE showed me a photo of what they removed as I came round from surgery in recovery. I felt a sense of relief at first before reality hit home. 6 months later I still cry when I think of my baby and what should have been. I feel a horrible envy toward pregnant women and am dreading the EDD.
    My RE says not to worry as at least we know you can get pregnant. Yes technically I can, but that doesn`t help. I feel cheated. My FET is schedule for this month. I`m praying for another miracle.
    I`m so sorry for your loss. Please take time to grieve properly and know you are not alone.

    • Stolen Eggs Says:

      They would have removed the ectopic surgically if they could have. But it would mean removing part or all of my uterus. So that’s why they are using drugs instead.

      • vi Says:

        The drugs are a obvious choice in that case- I`m sorry that it is a long drawn out process. But once you are physically and emotionally ready to try again I wish you every luck in the world.


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