I’ve had enough

August 2, 2010

It has become painfully obvious to me why more women (and men) don’t speak out more about infertility. Who has the time? Or the energy? I’m beat the f*ck down. Really. I can’t catch a break. I offer my apologies in advance for this ‘woe is me’ post – I sincerely hope it doesn’t get too whiny. I hate whiners. But I fear I’ve become one.

atlasI really feel like I’ve been given more than my share of crap. I know it could be worse. A LOT worse. I always strive to keep that in perspective. But I still need a break. The universe seems to have decided that it can just keep piling crap on me because I’m strong and I can take it. But everyone has their breaking point. Even me. And I’m approaching it.

In the last ten years I don’t think I’ve experienced more than 12 months in a row with nothing major happening (major = life altering event or serious illness). I really just need a break. I’m really ready for life to be everyday crazy not oh-my-god-someone-might-die-how-am-i-going-to-get-through-this crazy.
Let’s recap.
2000 – Get married. Move four states away.
2001 – Move again. 9/11. Start TTC with the Ex knowing that at any moment he could be deployed to Afghanistan.
2002 – Ex in Afghanistan. Me on Lupron for endometriosis. Continue TTC after both.
2003 – Ex leaves me for another woman. Ex deploys to Iraq. Ex files for divorce from Iraq. I move 6 states away.
2004 – Mostly uneventful year spent recovering emotionally until I get laid off after Thanksgiving.
2005 – Pops gets cancer. I move 7 states away to care for him.
2006 – Mostly good year. Just grad school stress.
2007 – Pops gets cancer again. Care for him, go to school full time, work half time.
2008 – Pretty good year. Start new job. Buy house. Meet Right Guy.
2009 – Pops hospitalized for pneumonia. I battle hot flashes. Diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure/Insufficiency.
2010 – Start TTC again – this time with meds. Pops hospitalized for pneumonia again.
2011 – Move across the entire country.

The next move will be a nightmare but it will be a good thing overall. I simply cannot continue to care for my father. It’s wearing me down. And I need him to stay well (or go to assisted living) so that I can concentrate on me and my lazy ovaries. I just can’t do it all. Especially when I keep failing at it all. I’m spread WAY too thin. And it’s really starting to take its toll. Which is why I need to take the Ayn Rand view of things: If I’m Atlas… I gotta shrug. It can’t be just me doing all this.

Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading.

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4 Responses to “I’ve had enough”

  1. Sonja Says:

    *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* It’s so hard to put yourself first, but I’m glad that you’re recognizing that you have to.

  2. tillie Says:

    wow – that’s a lot for one person to handle…I had NO idea. You have to take care of YOURSELF FIRST. always. I learned that the hard way sadly. You are a strong woman and I know that when you can focus solely on TTC you can achieve that. *huge hugs*


  3. Oh, lady, sometimes it just feels like the hits keep coming! I know the feeling. There is no “real” break from infertility. It’s ALWAYS on our minds. You can vent anytime! That’s why we’re here for each other :).


  4. Ugh, that’s a stressful few years. I’m so sorry. Hopefully you get some good news soon. Thinking of you.


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