The Waiting is the Hardest Part

May 25, 2010

Tom Petty is such a sage. I think I could write my whole life using Tom Petty song titles (and I wouldn’t be the first). And he’s even got a new album out now with more titles to use. But that would be another post. Right now, he confirms what I already know – The Waiting… is the Hardest Part. And he gives me strength – I Won’t Back Down. Not yet anyway.

I learned something recently. Some fertiles CAN understand what I’m going through. Sort of. It’s not the same but some DO understand the WAIT.

I recently went to meet a friend’s new baby. At 2 weeks old this kid already had a Twitter account. So I’ve been nervous about how I’ll handle this friendship now that they have a baby – and one who tweets no less. It’s difficult to escape this kid. It has been since the beginning. They announced their pregnancy the same week I got bloodwork back indicating there was a problem. It was incredibly difficult to go through the process of getting my diagnosis while watching her belly grow. I’m actually better friends with the father than the mother so I just sort of avoided her for awhile. So anyway, for numerous reasons I was a bit nervous to go meet this tiny one month old baby and hang out with just her Mom.

But she was the sweetest thing and my heart just melted. She slept in my arms for an hour while her Mom and I chatted. We chatted about their new family, we chatted about my condition and my plans to move with Right Guy. I explained that it is sometimes still difficult for me to deal with pregnant women and babies (I had previously explained to her why I had been avoiding her). She said she kind of understood that. Wait. What?! No, she didn’t have any trouble conceiving. But, like many women, she was ready to do this baby thing before her husband was. I recall this scenario well from my own marriage years ago. So she waited for him to be ready. And she watched her friends one by one get pregnant. And he vacillated. Yeah, I’m ready. No, wait I’m not. And she waited. And during one of those brief periods where he said he was ready but before he changed his mind is when it happened.

I really don’t think it was THAT long a wait. But we all know that doesn’t matter. The 2 week wait can seem interminable. My current wait, 4-6 weeks, for the cyst to go away has now become excruciating. But it was nice to know that a fertile woman could still ‘get it.’ At least on some level. She has her baby now so she can only imagine what it feels like for me. But she’s felt part of it. And that makes me feel a little less awkward around her.

Thinking about all this also brings up the fact that I have essentially been waiting for my baby for 10 years. 10 years ago last week I got married. And soon afterwards I was ready. And like my friend, the husband wasn’t. So I waited. And waited. Until he said he was ready. 8 years ago I first started trying. And I ended up with horrible endometriosis pain and he ended up in Afghanistan. And that was more or less the end of that. My body didn’t cooperate with me and he ended up leaving me for his high school sweetheart and going to Iraq (some more Tom Petty songs come to mind here). There were probably only 3-5 months of actual trying – more if you count the months we were waiting for me to ovulate after coming off the Lupron. But there were only 3-5 months where there was both egg and sperm hanging out in the same place at roughly the same time. But it’s been 10 years since I first felt that pang of longing for a little one.

Over the years I’ve tweaked my plan on how to become a mother. I was so devastated after my divorce that I knew I wouldn’t be in a place to have a real relationship with any man for quite awhile. And I was right. Nor was I fit, or financially capable, to mother anyone then. I had finally gotten to that place, however, but couldn’t find him. I tried. Hard. Every week I would regale my friends with my latest Bad First Date story. It wasn’t hard to find a date online but finding anyone worth a second date was impossible. So I thought, “I’ll just adopt on my own once I get set up financially.” I had actually started researching the various options. And then I met Right Guy (not online but IRL!). And I allowed myself to hope again for my own baby. What a mistake that was. It seems almost cruel to let me have that year of hope and then yank it back. Actually… there is no almost about it – it’s just plain cruel.

Anyway, my long-winded point here is that the Wait is very hard. Whether it’s two weeks or ten years, sometimes they feel the same. Maybe it would be better if you already knew the outcome and were just waiting for it to happen. But waiting usually implies some element of the unknown. And I know that I have a lot more of it to do. Even if I manage to get pregnant soon and carry to term I’ll still end up waiting again for a second child (likely through adoption) down the road. Geez. I just want my family already – it’s been 10 freaking years. I guess I just suck at waiting. Although, in my defense, is anyone good at it? I suppose if it can act as a bridge between us infertiles and some of the fertile ladies out there then it serves a good purpose.

But I still have one question: Are We There Yet?


2 Responses to “The Waiting is the Hardest Part”

  1. Al Says:

    10 years?! Whoa. My two years is nothing in comparison. No one is good at waiting, esp with something as uncontrollable as IF, there’s no way to get there any faster.

    Too bad there is no crystal ball to tell us when the wait will be over…I wish I had some sense as to how many more years I’ll be waiting.

    • Yeah, I hesitate to say I’ve been waiting a FULL 10 years but in a sense I have. I just wasn’t always actively working towards it. But it’s been on my mind that long. I just also had to wait for one marriage to blow up, rebuild my life and my finances, and then wait for someone else to come along. I thought that was going to be the hard part.

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