In Between Parents

May 11, 2010

No, I’m not literally in between parents.  I’m just in between major conversations with each of them.  Both conversations can be equated with sticking a fork in my eye.

I’ve been a bit emotionally hungover from my encounter with Momz. More so than I really would have expected given that it went more or less like I thought it would. I think these birth control pills are mucking with my hormones. And I need that like I need to stick a fork in my eye. I don’t think my recent mood swings are solely due to Mother’s Day. The girls are a bit achy, I’m prone to tears for no reason whatsoever and I’m a bit crampy. And my old friend nausea is back. I just feel crazy and hormonal and I have no idea WHY. But I guess that’s just how it goes on this roller coaster where I’m on a different set of hormones/drugs every single month. If I’m going to be on a roller coaster I just wish I could enjoy ther ride!

Since I’m not TTC this month, I have other things on my mind. Of course the TTC is never far from my mind and I keep wondering if somehow my body will defy science and ovulate this month and I’ll miss it. 😛 But I digress.

Now that Momz is out of the way (at least the intitial encounter – I still have tons of emails about diet, supplements, vitamins and who know what else to deal with), it’s time to focus on Pops. You may, or may mot, remember that I mentioned I might be moving. And since I take care of Pops that would be a dilemma. Well… Right Guy will be moving across the country in a year. And I intend to follow. Despite the fact that noone seems to realize that it’s even a possibility. Lots of family and friends know that he’s been applying for jobs mostly on the west coast and that he might therefore be leaving.   But somehow they don’t finish that thought and realize that I’m going with. I guess because we’re not married? I don’t know. We live together and we’re trying to make a baby together. So why wouldn’t I be moving with him? It’s kind of a ‘no brainer’ to me. Of course the decision to immediately TTC after being handed my diagnosis was also a ‘no brainer.’ But apparently the rest of the world doesn’t always see it my way. Again, I digress.

I have 14 months to figure out what to do with Pops and make it happen. That might seem like a lot of time, and it basically is, but if I can convince him to move to Assisted Living that whole process will take some time. First there’s the convincing part. That will be the hardest. It may actually prove impossible. We’ll see. But then there would be deciding what stuff to keep and what to sell and what to just throw out. The physical moving. The selling of the house – which first requires getting the house in a state so that it CAN sell. That one’s a tall order. And I don’t expect much help with it. And I’ll be doing all of that with my own house as well. Major suckage.

My brain is almost always about 5 miles ahead of my body so mentally I’ve already started the list of what to keep/sell/ditch for my own house. And I’ve already started making some repairs/upgrades to help it sell. My brain is working on the logistics of how to get all our stuff – and our 3 cats – across the country. Thanks to my military ex-husband I’m well equipped for this daunting task. It’s still daunting though.

But back to the task at hand (see how my brain likes to skip ahead?). I haven’t told Pops yet. I’m not sure how to bring this up. Or when. I just never know what kind of mood he’ll be in. Or how coherent he’ll be. Some days he just chooses to check out so it can be difficult to have a real conversation with him. But I’ve still got to figure out the best approach. Ideally, I’d love for this news to shock him out of his depression so he magically starts taking care of himself and we only have to make a new plan for prescription and grocery delivery. I know that’s also my brother’s hope. But I don’t think that’s very realistic. And my brother isn’t here so he often forgets what the exact situation is. In a weird twist of fate, I’ll be moving to the same city my brother lives in.

What I would really like to avoid is the 4 year old inside Pops. The one that looks at me with a sad pathetic face and says “You’re leaving so soon?” every time I leave his house. Despite the fact that those are virtually the only words he said to me while I was there. It makes me feel sad and guilty every time. Somehow I don’t think I’ll be able to get through any of this process without feeling sad and guilty for leaving him. 😦

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