Uncertainty in Life

April 25, 2010

At the moment there are several rather large unknowns in my life.  As I mentioned in my last post, I don’t deal well with uncertainty.  I’m a very even-keeled, data-driven, logical type person.  I like to know stuff for sure.

  • Am I pregnant now?  If not, will I ever be?
  • Are we moving in 14 months?  It seems likely, and if so, it will be to the West Coast somewhere.  I’m currently on the East Coast.
  • Right Guy’s sperm – healthy or not?

It may seem odd but Right Guy’s sperm hasn’t been tested yet.  There are many reasons for that – one is his schedule.  Scheduling an appt for him is not easy.  He can’t just take off work and go.  Also, he’s been working on applications and then interviewing for a fellowship that will start in 14 months.  Somewhere.  There’s a slim chance it will be here at the same place he currently works.  More likely, it will be on the West Coast.  We’ll find out in a few weeks.

Due to everything that’s been going on with him, coupled with the fact that I’m not sure I really wanted to know earlier (my diagnosis was quite enough to deal with thank you very much), he’s only just now been scheduled to go in to “fill the cup.”  Even thought there’s a chance, however slim, that I might already be pregnant he has a day off next week so it’s scheduled.  The fact is, we really do need to know.  There’s no point in putting my body through all the meds and stressing ourselves out trying to time sex to whatever schedule my body (or the meds) choose if he’s also got issues.  If there are issues there we can skip to IUI.  Although I think that would open up a whole new scheduling can of worms.

On the one hand, I feel that the odds of me having my condition and him also having a problem are slim.  Even slimmer that I would have managed to pick yet another partner with issues (my ex had an abysmal count).  Vegas wouldn’t take those odds, right?.  Except I see it every day around me in the online IF community.  So many people dealing with IF in both the man and the woman.  So I’m worried.

I’m worried that something will be wrong.  I’m worried it will be something that extra vitamins and a healthier lifestyle can’t fix.  I’m also worried about how he’ll take it.  He doesn’t seem worried AT ALL about it.  He thinks the odds are so against it that there’s no point.  Well, maybe he’s right that there’s no point in worrying about it since worrying will get you nowhere.  But I still worry that he’s so convinced that there’s not an issue there that he might crumble if it turns out that there is.

In any case, we’ll know in a week or two.  So I’m not just in my 2 week wait to know if I’m pregnant.  I’m also in a 2-3 week wait to find out if Right Guy also has an IF issue and to find out where/if we’re moving.  At least the actual moving part won’t happen for over a year.  But there’s a lot I have to do to prepare for it.

I take care of my father.  He’s been in the ring for two rounds with lung cancer and managed to survive.  But it left him physically weakened and with a broken spirit.  He still lives alone (I lived with him and took care of him full time for a year during the 1st bout) but he needs lots of help.  If I move away…  I guess I’ll have to try and talk him in to Assisted Living.  Which I know he doesn’t want to do.  Sometimes I feel guilty about thinking about doing that.  But I’ve been taking care of him for 5 years now.  It’s time for me to take care of ME.  Right?  That’s not overly selfish is it?  I deserve to move on and have a child (biological or not) to take care of instead of a parent.  Right?


One Response to “Uncertainty in Life”

  1. barrenlazza Says:

    Hi Foxy

    I’ve just been catching up on your news. It sounds like your head is like mine can sometimes be – crazy busy!

    You’ve got so much going on. How come you may have to move away from your Dad? You’re right, you deserve to live your own life but then again it’s nice to look after your family if you can. I wonder if you could take care of him, yourself and Right Guy at the same time?

    I really really hope you are pregnant – wouldn’t that be amazing?

    Let me know how you get on x

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