WHAT IF… what if the past were different?

April 23, 2010

What If… There are so many What Ifs that come to mind but I’m supposed to pick just one to write about.

What if I never get pregnant?   What if I do get pregnant but miscarry?  What if I can’t adopt for some reason?  What if the hole in my heart never goes away?  What if I had gotten pregnant back when I still had eggs?  What if I develop early osteoperosis from early menopause? What if I lose friends because I’m not comfortable around them or vice versa?  What if the stress & anxiety are too much for my relationship with Right Guy?  What if we go broke paying for treatments? What if my RE won’t let me do IVF?

I could easily continue adding to that list.  But the one that haunts me the most is probably the least interesting to others.  And the one that makes the least sense.  You can’t change the past after all.  But for most of us 30 something POF/DOR women we can’t help but wonder if we squandered the fertile years of our 20s. Or if we did something to cause this.  I can’t even begin to imagine how it affects the women who are diagnosed in their 20s.

WHAT IF I HAD GOTTEN PREGNANT BACK WHEN I STILL HAD EGGS?

When I was married we tried.  I went off birth control and actually had regular cycles.  Something I long for today.  I never thought I would long to get a period but I do.  Even though those regular cycles were interrupted by pain from endometriosis I still had eggs and a chance EVERY MONTH to fertilize one.  The chance was there back then.  Never mind the fact that my ex-husband had an abysmal sperm count and was cheating on me (maybe that’s why he had an abysmal sperm count).  Never mind the physical pain I was in.  I HAD EGGS.  I had the basic raw materials to produce life.  I don’t have that now – or at least not in the quantity I should.  There may not be enough eggs left in my basket at this point.  And for all I know the ones that are left might be rotten.

If  I had gotten pregnant when I was married then at least I would have a child of my own.  Even if I was still divorced and still had to see and deal with the ex because of the kid – I WOULD STILL HAVE  A CHILD.  Ideal conditions?  Certainly not.  Better than now… perhaps.  For me anyway.  Maybe not so much for the kid.  But maybe the divorce wouldn’t have happened if there had been a child.  My ex even said that to me – “If there were a child things would be different.”  It hurt so much to hear him say that.  For so many reasons.  I wouldn’t have wanted him to stay just for the sake of a child.  But if having a child changed things between us and made it better…  this particular What If has a way of snowballing.  What if he had figured things out BEFORE the wedding and we never got married?  Would I have met some other great guy and had children with him before my eggs disappeared?  As much as I love Right Guy and am ecstatic to have found him I don’t believe that there’s only ONE right person out there for each of us.  Could I be living an alternate life?  Happy with a different guy?  And with kids?!?

After the initial split with my Ex all I kept hearing from friends and family was this:  “At least you don’t have kids.”  I think I still have a scar from all those (well-meant) comments.  Due to the endometriosis and his deployment to Afghanistan our TTC efforts were interrupted and therefore we weren’t able to actively try to conceive for that long  – but it felt like it.  It felt like 15 months of trying that ended in “I never loved you (because I always loved her) and oh, by the way, I don’t want kids.”  And then I had to endure the “be glad you don’t have kids” comments on top of it all.  So those wounds have all re-opened recently.  So I’ve got to rehash the past, deal with the present all while worrying about the future.  “Some days it just isn’t worth chewing through the restraints” as they say.

If I had had a child back then maybe I wouldn’t have met Right Guy.  It’s horrible to admit but I think I’d take the kid if I had to choose.  Maybe not.  But it would be a close call.  Fortunately I don’t have have to make that choice.  I’m here now in this situation with him and all I can I do is make the choices about how to handle it now.  This is really a pretty futile What If.  But it haunts me nonetheless.

What if I never get past this what if? I’d love to track down my ex and yell at him.  But would that help?  Nope.  These are ultimately my issues, not his.  He behaved badly and if he had taken the time to get to know himself better before we married maybe some or all of this could have been avoided.  But he didn’t do that.  He wasn’t truthful with me or himself about his ongoing relationship with his high school sweetheart.  And no amount of yelling at him is going to change that.  Although it would be fun…  I daydream (or sometimes it’s real dreams)  sometimes that it would be cathartic to yell at him or punch him and that it would give me the closure I never really got (he divorced me from Iraq so I never even saw him during that process).  But, in the end, I don’t think it would accomplish anything more than to drive home the fact that I’m not who he wants to be with.  I’d be that crazy insane ex-wife people talk about – and then people would sympathize with him for having to deal with such a crazy ex-wife (never mind his actions).  And his wife, a.k.a. the ‘Other Woman’, likes to give interviews about her book and talk about his vasectomy online so I’m sure she’d blast me publicly if contacted him.  So I’m still really unsure how exactly to get past this once and for all.  Except by having a child so I don’t have to wonder ‘What If’ anymore.  What if I don’t have enough eggs to even try IVF?  What if I adopt and I still can’t get past this What If?

Lest you think I’m a truly selfish person who would rather have a child with an a$$hole for a father than a great guy in her life, let me iterate through some of the reasons I want a child.  Many of them are selfish but not all.

There are the usual reasons for wanting a biological child:

  • best of my qualities + best of his (if we’re lucky)
  • wanting to experience pregnancy
  • wanting to experience the awesome feeling of having created life

And then the reasons for wanting a child even if not biologically my own:

  • I feel a void in my life without a child
  • the desire to do it better than my parents (haha)

But MOST important is the fact that I have A LOT of love to give  – and currently all I do is annoy my cats with it 😉

So, to conclude on a positive note… what if I am pregnant RIGHT now? It’s possible.  I took the meds, the timing was right.  I’m trying to walk the line between positive thoughts and realistic expectations. What if , on our current or next cycle, WE ALL get BFPs!

Links that prompted this post:
www.resolve.org/infertility101

www.resolve.org/takecharge

http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/

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8 Responses to “WHAT IF… what if the past were different?”

  1. christine Says:

    Came over from ICLW!

    I hope this cycle is it for you! I love your attitude about your positive what if! What a great attitude!

    And, yes, here’s hoping we ALL get our BFPs!


  2. Well at least you can rest assured, that any women who asks her man to get a vasectomy or is even proud of her husbands vasectomy, doesn’t really care about him, and in all likely hood is a self centered B…

  3. barrenlazza Says:

    Ah this is a tricky one – what if….and how long is a ball of string?

    All you can do is live in the now and look to the future. Sometimes the past taunts me too.

    Weirdly, the sister of my ex who I was with during my primo baby making years contacted me to say hi (yay Facebook) and to let me know her brother (my ex) now has two little kids.

    It really hurt as I felt like his kids could have been mine….but they’re not.

    It sounds so trite but for some reason or other this is your road to travel and it’s making you a stronger and better person.

    Fingers and toes crossed you are pregnant – that would be a most fabulous new turn in your road of life! Lots of luck x

  4. Geochick Says:

    I hope you get your BFP! 🙂

    ICLW

  5. Sonja Says:

    Wow, what an honest post. That’s so awesome.


  6. Stopped by from Project IF. Thanks for writing and sharing such a beautiful What If post.

    http://www.mrthompsonandme.blogspot.com

  7. Kir Says:

    here from the WHAT IF project.

    you know I think that all of us have thoughts like this, it might not be the same questions, but similar.

    I often wonder if my “sleeping around” in my 20’s is the reason i couldn’t get PG in my 30’s..if I had not slept with so and so, would I have ever met John? Etc. We all wonder, if I could go back and do it over. I think it’s normal and cathartic to do that…to imagine beating the crap out of your ex or yourself for being foolish or hopeful or whatever.

    I loved this post, I think that your path is a good one and good things DO COME….they do. I can’t promise you anything, but I can say that if you believe enough you’ll get what you want and need.

    I’m praying for BOTH for you.

    thanks for sharing. 🙂

  8. Genevieve Says:

    What IFs were put in our brains to drive us batty, I’m sure of that. The how of getting to where we are now is simply boggling. Your honesty is beautiful, and I thank you for putting it out there. Best wishes for a BFP.


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