Welcome to CrazyVille

April 23, 2010

The train to CrazyVille has arrived at the station.  I thought my impending insanity could hold out until next week but I was wrong.   I’m now 7 dpo and the crazies are starting to  settle in.   I’m starting to obsess a little (OK yesterday it might have been a little but today it’s a lot) about looking for implantation bleeding.   No signs yet.  I’ve been more emotional than usual the past few days.   But that’s probably just due to the clomid & ovidrel and being OFF the estrogen.  I’ve had some  slight nausea as well.  But I used to get that way back when I was ttc with my ex and I was never preggo then.  All just wishful thinking I’m sure.

<sarcasm> Can we muck with my hormones a little more? Puhleez? That’d be swell.</sarcasm>

I knew this was coming. I had just hoped to keep it at bay a little while longer.  But it seems other things in my life are conspiring against me.  Like Facebook for example.  I ❤ Facebook.  Or at least I used to.  But now that I know so many pregnant people Facebook tends to greet me with posts like this:

  • “I can’t stand it anymore!  I thought 2nd babies were supposed to come early.  I’m 39 weeks pregnant.  Get this thing out of me already!”
  • “Excited about my first prenatal yoga class today!” (from the person whose profile pic is her latest sonogram)
  • “I wish my brand new baby had inherited her mother’s sleep pattern.  She’s a night owl! yawn”
  • For all you moms!  [insert link]

OK, so those aren’t exact quotes.  But you get the picture.  And of course, I am genuinely happy for these people and their bundles of joy.  But I’m also extremely jealous.  Sucks to admit it since I’m not ordinarily a jealous person but… that’s the truth.  It’s taken me a few months to just embrace that truth and stop fighting it.  I think finding others in the IF community has helped.  I don’t feel like such a horrible person anymore for being insanely jealous of everyone with a kid.

I don’t deal with uncertainty very well.  At the moment I’m not sure how to feel:  hopeful that I might join their ranks?  Then I’d feel like a traitor to my IF peeps.  And a traitor to my friends who don’t want kids who, on some level, are glad I don’t have kids, even if they are still supportive of my efforts TTC.  I think I’d get over the traitor feeling pretty quickly.  But even if I get a BFP the world doesn’t turn rosy.  Miscarriage rates are high.

I guess my head is just a bit all over the place and perhaps looking too far in to the future for things to worry about.  Gotta try and concentrate on the now.  I’ll get right on that.  Yeah, that was more sarcasm.


One Response to “Welcome to CrazyVille”

  1. […] July 22, 2010 My pal Two Week Wait has returned. Her last visit was cut rather short (mercifully I suppose) so I’m not sure how well I’ll handle this one. I will likely be a basket case and take another trip to CrazyTown. […]

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